The Viewpoint Blog's Ranking of the James Bond films. 21: Never Say Never Again.

So we're just outside the top 20, and we've just hot the second and final entry from the unofficial films, the 1983 Thunderball remake starring Sean Connery, Never Say Never Again.  The title is a reference to the fact that Connery said he'd never again play Bond, nor even talk about him in interviews.



The first thing to note here is that the screenplay is written by Lorenzo Semple Jr.  That name will be very familiar to fans of the Batman TV series from the 1960s, where he was the script editor, and also wrote the pilot storyline, Hey Diddle Riddle/Smack In The Middle, and the 1966 Batman movie.  He also did the screenplay for the 1980 Flash Gordon movie.  With pedigree like that, you know what is coming, it's going to be high camp, and probably part parody too.

The second notable thing is that the film is directed by Irvin Kirshner, who directed The Empire Strikes Back in the Star Wars saga.  He also directed The Eyes Of Laura Mars and Robocop 2.  So, we have some really talented people in the creative angle here, who could turn this into a really good film.  So, why is it at number 21 in my list?  Time to find out.

THE TITLES/OPENING SEQUENCE.

There's no pre-title sequence, as the titles are done over the first sequence of the movie.  A mission that seems to have absolutely nothing to do with the main plot of the film, but hey, a lot of Bond pre-title sequences had nothing to do with the rest of the film either, so that doesn't exactly mean anything.  However, I do think this mini-mission would have worked better as a pre-title sequence.  But it does do the job, it pulls you into the movie pretty quickly, and not have you thrown right out.  The title music, is okay, but it's just not that special.  It's also very much at odds with the action in the sequence.

One thing to note here is that the singer of that song, Lani Hall, is the wife of the man who did the theme to the other unofficial Bond theme, Herb Alpert.



Anyway, onto the plot proper...

THE PLOT.

That mission was actually a training exercise, and M, played here by Edward Fox, who references the fact he is new as M, chastises Bond for his diet and orders him to detox at a health spa.  Kinda interesting to hear the "too much red meat" line considering that nowadays, the idea that cutting on red meat was a good thing has been long since disproved, but that was the scientific thinking of the time.

There's a quick moment here with Bond and Moneypenny, played here by Pamela Salem, which is really out of character.  Moneypenny should never be like this.  Lorenzo goofed that one.

Bond is sent to Shrublands, a health spa, and we see him roll up in what I think is an old Bentley.  It's a nice car, but really?  Why is it here?  This is 1983, you could give him something else.

Anyway, Bond is checked out by a doctor, and the nurse asks him for a urine sample.  This will play in later, but it could have been done a lot better.  I'm not really sure this scene needs to be here.

We cut to a pair of legs in high heels, walking with purpose, and the owner of those legs tells someone at a desk to open Box 274.  As the two people arrive in an area of safety deposit boxes, we get our first shot of the owner of those legs, Fatima Blush, aka Number 12, played here by Barbara Carrera.  She is the Fiona Volpe of this movie, and surprisingly, is not a creation of Lorenzo Semple Jr's but is actually original from the book, Thunderball.  I always wondered why Saltzman and Broccoli changed Fatima Blush to Fiona Volpe.  Were they a bit sensitive after Pussy Galore in Goldfinger?

It turns out that this is a secret entrance to SPECTRE Headquarters, and we are introduced to SPECTRE's leader, Ernst Stavro Blofeld, played here by Max von Sydow.  He is leading a SPECTRE  meeting, in a room that looks nothing like the room from Thunderball, and in fact just looks like they shot this is in a conference room in some fancy hotel.

Anyway, we are told the basics of the plot here, called for this film "The Tears Of Allah", the same basic plot from Thunderball, mostly done by Maximillian Largo on a video link, played here by Klaus Maria Brandauer.  Hmm, the casting here is a little suspect.  I'm okay with Max von Sydow as Blofeld, because he has form as evil leader, having played Ming The Merciless in Flash Gordon, but here, he looks more like a kindly grandfather, I almost wish we didn't see his face, it would work much better here.  But Largo is a very poor piece of casting.  I know that some people have a problem with Thunderball, having Domino actually be in love with Largo, considering Largo there looks almost old enough to be her father, but that never bothered me.  So I guess the producers here wanted to cast someone a bit younger, to make that angle a little more believable and it does that, but at too high a cost on other angles.

The next shot is Fatima Blush wheeling Captain Jack Petachi through Shrublands.  Captain Jack Petachi is the equivalent of Commandant Major Francois Derval in Thunderball, but instead of being a pilot, he's part of the operations ground crew.  He's played here by Gavan O'Herlihy, who was known at the time for playing bullies, small time bad guys, side characters who had questionable ethics.  This is the same kind of role, but not as good.

We get introduced here to Patricia Fearing, played here by Prunella Gee, the same role as the Molly Peters one in Thunderball.  But again, not as good.

Is it just me or does Fatima Blush come off in these Shrublands scenes as somewhat of a dominatrix?

Bond spots the fight going on in an opposing window.  How convenient.  So he goes across to check it out, but gives himself away, and has to hide.  Fatima uses a light intensifying pair of binoculars to spot him.

Later, Bond is doing some weight training, and we get a fight sequence between Bond and Lippe, played here by "Bomber" Pat Roach.  This is not Count Lippe from Thunderball, this is just a standard SPECTRE heavy, but Pat was always good at this kind of thing.  The fight sequence is beautifully choreographed and is definitely a highlight of the film.  My one complaint is maybe it is about 30 seconds too long, but it's a good sequence, and Bond eventually defeats Lippe by... throwing a beaker of liquid in his face, which turns out to be the urine sample from earlier on..

Unfortunately the next scene after it feels kinda bad.  It's M chastising Bond for destroying the clinic. I really don't like this scene at all.  It feels like they are just writing scenes where M & Bond are antagonists, even though they are on the same side.

We see the moment where Jack Petachi gets the dummy warheads replaced by actual nuclear warheads.  I know some people, like Calvin Dyson, are critical of showing the plot unfolding, and having us know more than the characters do, but in both Thunderball and this film, the buy required to believe the story without it being shown, would be just far too big to actually buy.  You wouldn't believe it, unless you saw it, so I don't really have a problem with that.

I also like the line from the base's computer when the change is made.  The computer explains that the dummy warheads will be replaced by W-80 thermonuclear devices, and then says "Have a nice day."  Now that is classic Lorenzo Semple Jr, and a nice touch.  I like that.

The mission by the way is a training mission, in case it were to ever have to be done for real.  Hmm, training missions is a recurring theme here...

We see the missiles being dropped, and some wonderful effects shots of the missiles flying, intercut with Fatima Blush killing Jack Petachi by causing him to crash his car by throwing her pet snake into the car.  One thing bugs me about this.  How does she know that Jack did his job for her?  It's a rather gaping plot hole, that just can't be missed.

I do like the fact though that the car doesn't explode on crashing and that Fatima plants an explosive in the crashed car to blow it up.  That's a nice touch of realism, that helps sell the film.

The missiles are brought down over water using a jamming system of some kind, and we get some early computer graphics showing the missiles incoming on a screen in the boat where the operation is taking place.  It kinda looks like either a Sinclair Spectrum or a Commodore 64 was used to create these images.  It's kind of interesting.

The missiles do not explode on contact with the water.  Huh?  Anyway, we see enough to know that SPECTRE have taken the missiles, and we get a classic bad guy ultimatum moment, in a NATO meeting chaired by M(?!?), and the UK Foreign Secretary.  Representatives from various world governments start rounding on the Americans, and there's a lot of cynicism being fired around.  Only those present, British Intelligence and the CIA know about it, but an American representative says "Wonderful! That means by now it's all over the Kremlin!"  This is again very much Lorenzo Semple Jr's handiwork, but it just feels a little too over the top here.  The Foreign Secretary tells M that he has no choice and must re-activate the Double-0 section.  Oh, so James Bond has not really been 007 here?  He's just been Commander James Bond of the British Secret Service?

Moneypenny tells Bond that M wants to see him immediately, and she thinks he's back in business.  We then cut back to Largo's super yacht. Huh?  Why are we seeing this scene, where Largo says Good Morning to everybody, and not seeing Bond's briefing with M?  Some of this feels a little suspect, and I'm not sure where to put the blame on this.  I know Irvin Kirshner, really likes character angles, but I don't see the character angle here, so I'm not really certain on blaming him.  It could be Lorenzo's writing, but again, I'm not sure that some of these scenes were meant to be intercut like this.  And I can't totally dog on the editor either, because he'll be following the instructions from his director.  This could be an ensemble issue, or it could reside in one of those areas I've previously mentioned, but I just don't feel that it totally resides in any of them.

Anyway, in the next cut, we see Largo in some kind of control room, and we're introduced to Domino Petachi, played here by Kim Basinger, via one wall of his room suddenly moving out of the way.  Okay, this is a super yacht, but some of this feels a little over the top.  Largo gives Domino an old pendant, the Tears Of Allah.  Hang on a minute, that rings a bell...

There's quite a good Q Branch scene that follows with "Algernon" and Bond talking, and going through some gadgets, and whilst this Q is nothing like the real thing, actually the scene plays pretty well, and with more than a touch of realism about it.  Algernon complaining about budget cuts is really kinda funny, and feels quite in keeping with the time.  Q/Algernon is played here by Alec McCowen, and is quite a good Q, even if it's nothing like Desmond Llewelyn.

Bond goes to the Bahamas, and it's in the sequence that we see Lorenzo Semple Jr's writing talent come into play.  Bond starts flirting with the first woman he meets, and it is kinda funny that during the Sean Connery era of official James Bond films, Bond was always flirting with women, and Lorenzo plays that well here.

We also get introduced to Nigel Small-Fawcett, from the British Embassy in Nassau, played here by Rowan Atkinson.  The name is brilliant.  Small-Fawcett.  Think about it, it's a hilarious send up of British double barrel names.  Rowan Atkinson is brilliant too, playing what is really an early version of Richard Latham from the Barclaycard ads, which later would become Johnny English in two movies.  A bit incompetent, and very English.  It's wonderful to see this early version, which came about 5 or so years before the Barclaycard ads, but you can see where they got the idea from.

We get our first scene between Bond and Blush in this film, and again Bond is flirting with her.  The two team up tho go diving, which I find strange.  I can't imagine Fiona Volpe doing the same, but Fatima does get it on with Bond, which is something that Bond has done before, bedded the femme fatale.  She plants a homing device on his scuba gear and Bond is soon attacked by sharks who are somehow being attracted to the homing device.  I don't understand this part and it really doesn't help the sequence at all.

Bond manages to discover the homing device and escapes by finding the fishing line of the other woman who he was flirting with earlier.  After discovering that her first attempt to kill Bond failed, Fatima tries again, by bombing Bond's room.  Unluckily for her, he goes to his companion's room, and so avoids the explosion that Fatima sets off.

Bond then travels to Nice in France, where he is met by his contact Nicole, also known as 326.  She is played by Saskia Cohen Tanugi, and is basically this film's Paula.  You'll see what I mean later.  It's also here that we are introduced to Felix Leiter, played here by Bernie Casey.  Bernie actually here plays Felix rather well, better than many of the actors in the official movies.  I'd put on Jack Lord and David Hedison ahead of Bernie in the list of the best Felix's.

One thing the film has gotten right up to this point has been the pacing.  Not too slow, not too fast, not perfect pacing, but pretty good.  Apart from a couple of scenes that didn't need to be here, I don't feel we've had any real issues with the pace.  In fact so far, we've had a good fight sequence, a good scene with Q, the early Johnny English, and a lot of material that hasn't felt bad, but hasn't felt really good either.  It feels like it could have been really good, if they'd just changed a few small elements, but also it could have been really bad if they had changed them in the wrong way.  Up to this point, the film has been walking a tightrope, and could have fallen off a few times, but somehow is still on the tightrope.

Bond spies on Largo's yacht using a telescope at the villa they are staying at, and Bond and Felix make plans to get some scuba gear so they can check the yacht out.  Meanwhile Domino comes ashore, and is followed by Bond to a health spa.  This sequence is very uncomfortable.  It's nothing more than an excuse to have Sean Connery around a lot of sexy females, and that is not something this film needs.  It is at this point that the film goes way downhill for me.  The sequence at the health spa, and the casino sequence later on are times when the film is at its weakest point.  The moment with the bouncer is meant to be funny, but just falls flat.  The "bomb with the tiny gyroscope" is just bad, as we will talk more about that in a moment.

And then we get a typical piece of Lorenzo Semple Jr camp as Domino goes to some mirrored doors and opens them to reveal... a video arcade room.  No, Calvin Dyson, casinos were not like this in the 80s, this is a piece of Lorenzo Semple Jr camp, and doesn't play badly, but honestly, the joke is a little weak.  And it doesn't get any better as Bond talks to Domino, and then meets Largo.  A lot of this "casino" sequence is just an excuse to have Bond in a tuxedo.  The Domination game between Largo and Bond is poor too, it's just a piece of foreshadowing and doesn't really do anything. You could have lost the health spa sequence and this casino sequence, including the tango between Domino and Bond and you would lose nothing plot wise, at all.  That's how bad these sequences are, they do absolutely nothing for the film.  The only moment in that whole sequence that plays even slightly well, is a brief conversation between Largo and Fatima, where there is obviously a little bit of flirting going on between the two.  Do they have a bit of a past together?  That angle would have been quite interesting and would have allowed us a little bit of insight into these two characters.  I don't know if it would have helped the film at this point, but I would be more interested in that, than watching Bond face Largo in a video game.

I must mention the Tango part of the sequence, because once again, in an unofficial Bond film, we have a dance sequence that is well shot and edited, and in a wonderful set, but really, it has no purpose in the film, it doesn't advance the plot at all, and unlike the dance sequence in Casino Royale 1967, it isn't introducing a character.  We do get a nice payoff though to the "bomb" gag from earlier, where Bond takes the 'bomb' right out of the guy's hand, says thanks, leaves him in the closet and the guy feints, and Bond opens it to reveal it's a cigar case for long thin cigars.  Sorry, no, not cigars, not for Bond.

Bond returns to the villa where he finds Nicole dead from drowning in some sort of water feature, not sure what it's meant to be.  And we begin a chase sequence where Bond is chasing Fatima.  Did Fatima kill Nicole herself?  We don't know, but that is clearly what is suggested here.

Bond unpacks the bike that Q sent for him, and he sets off in pursuit... wait a minute.  He's riding a motorcycle in a tuxedo?  That's just a little too silly.

The chase between Bond and Fatima is a good one, especially the bit where they try to load Bond, bike and all into the back of a lorry, only for Bond to escape when he uses the back ramp being lifted up as a ramp to escape.  Bond chases Fatima into an old dockside warehouse, where Bond is captured, and we get an interesting conversation between the two, that allows Bond to bring into play the Pen rocket we saw earlier on, and Fatima gets blown up.  I have to be honest here and say that Fatima Blush is a highlight of this movie, and her demise whilst somewhat exaggerated, does work.

The explosion causes a commotion outside the warehouse and Felix helps Bond escape.  Later, they are checking out the underside of Largo's yacht, but somehow, Bond ends up inside the yacht, separated from Felix, and then when Bond tries to make an un-noticed exit, a butler appears and says "Monsieur Largo is waiting for you, Sir."  Really?  This bit feels very weak, and gets no better as Largo shows Bond round his yacht.  This whole part of the film is a poor excuse to get us to our next major action sequence, and also to set up the change for Domino from Largo's girlfriend to Bond's ally.  But again, these are pretty weakly done, and really don't help the film at all.

It's a shame really that after a pretty good start, this middle bit is where the film falls very flat, very hard.  And the film really doesn't get much better.  Bond manages to send a message back to London, and we arrive in Palmyra in North Africa to get a horrible scene where Domino is to be auctioned to locals , and Bond is locked away in a tower in chains and shackles.  Bond manages to escape confinement thanks to a laser watch, and effects a rescue on Domino.  The chase that follows is really poor, and is just a bad sequence.  This particular sequence is also responsible for the blurb about no animals were harmed during the course of making this movie.  A rocket firing sub manages to dispatch of Bond's pursuers.  Okay, the gratuitous explosion count just started again.  What is it with unofficial Bond films and gratuitous explosions?  Casino Royale 1967 was bad for this but this is pretty gratuitous too.

Anyway, we're into the climactic final reel of the film, and hopefully we get a decent ending.  On the sub, Bond manages to use Domino's pendant to deduce where the bomb is going to be placed.  The sub detects underwater activity and Bond orders a check for underwater caves.  We then get an interesting payoff from the earlier Kremlin comment.  "Commander Peterson, are you equipped with the new XT-7Bs?"  The sub commander looks nervous.  "That's Top Secret.  How do you know about them?" to which Bond apologetically replies "From a Russian translation of one of your service manuals.  Sorry about that."  Nice payoff that one, but it did take a long time to get there.

The XT-7Bs are flying platforms that Bond and Felix stand on, and land after spotting a well.  They then are seen in scuba gear, getting into the water.  No offence, but where did that scuba gear come from?

Largo emerges from the water in an underground cavern.  Bond and Felix are in pursuit.  I have to say that the set for this is incredible.  The production designer obviously pulled out all the stops for this one, and it's large and detailed, and beautifully executed.  I really can't fault the designer here, the ruins that we see here are incredible.  To think this was a set at Elstree, is amazing, it looks real.  Bond tries to get inside, but is basically unable to get too far, and Leiter has to provide a distraction.  He is then joined by US marines and a bullet laden battle begins.  Largo escapes with the bomb and detonates the tunnel behind him, preventing Bond from following.  Bond gets back to Leiter and the marines, and they unleash the heavy artillery on the SPECTRE agents there.

It's kind of sad that we have to cut away there, but cut away we do, to Bond dropping into the well he saw earlier, and catching up to Largo and the bomb.  We get an underwater fight between Largo and Bond, which is a little underwhelming actually.  The sub with the bomb just carries on, and Bond has to fight off Largo once again.  Somehow the sub turns around and manages to pin Largo against a rock wall.  Bond works to deactivate the bomb, but Largo pulls a harpoon gun out that was concealed on the sub, and aims it at Bond.  Before he can shoot, another harpoon shoots and hits him.  Bond looks up to see Domino, and some other divers.  Where did they come from?  How did they get there?  I know some reviewers, especially Calvin Dyson, thought the final fight in Thunderball was bad, but this is worse.  At least in Thunderball we see Domino being rescued, and then when Largo is shot in the back by a harpoon there, the reveal that it was Domino that shot him, was not totally out of left field.  This is so far out of left field that we cannot tell how Domino and the divers got there, or even how long they were there.  Some people would use the term dues ex machina, but I don't think this qualifies.  We know Domino is a good diver, and we know that she has bad feelings about Largo after Largo left her to be sold into slavery, but how they suddenly turn up, just at the right moment, that is just left completely unexplained.

Bond deactivates the bomb, Largo dies, and that's it.

We then get a weird little sequence, where Bond and Domino are relaxing somewhere, a villa I believe and the gate is opened by a mysterious man in a suit.  Bond investigates and throws the man into the pool, only to discover that the mystery stalker is in fact, Nigel Small-Fawcett.  Yep, Rowan Atkinson has one last bit in the movie, pleading with James Bond to return to the service under M.  To which Bond replies, "Never again."  and Domino adds "Never?", and then the end theme begins as Bond winks at the camera.

Jeez, as far as final reels go, that was totally underwhelming, it had all the excitement of a damp squib and all the enthusiasm of a wet lettuce.  If the first part of the film was pretty good, the second part was dire.  It doesn't even have the modest excitement of Thunderball's final fight, and that wasn't particularly great either, but this was worse.

THE VILLAINS

I have to say that the villains crew here is somewhat of a mixed bag.  Blofeld, as portrayed by Max von Sydow, is okay, but nothing special.  Von Sydow was much better as Ming The Merciless in Flash Gordon.  Here, he's kinda going through the motions a bit, but the quality of the actor himself helps it along.

Largo on the other hand, is completely characterless here, and Klaus Maria Brandauer isn't even as good as Adolfo Celi was.

Dr Kovacs is this film's version of Latislav Kutze, but unlike in Thurderball, Kovacs doesn't turn on Largo, leaving him really as somewhat of a cipher character, without anything other than exposition.

Pat Roach as Lippe is a wonderful henchman, and despite only appearing in the fight at Shurblands, is actually a wonderful little character.  He has some little character moments that help elevate that fight sequence.

The best of the villains by far, is Fatima Blush.  Fatima's wardrobe is as outlandish as her accent, and her acting, but Barbara Carrera plus it off beautifully, giving us a well rounded character, with enough distinctiveness about her, that she actually compares favourably to Fiona Volpe, who whilst obviously from a similar mould, was much more cold and calculating.  And whilst Fatima also has that, she also has a certain flair about her that just takes her character to another level.

All in all, a mixed bag that doesn't really help the film overall.

THE HEROES AND ALLIES

Okay, let's start this bit with Bond himself.  Sean Connery, even in this film, is still very definitely James Bond.  Yeah, his performance is nowhere near his best in Goldfinger.  In fact, it's more on a par with his You Only Live Twice performance.  But even in his early fifties, just 2 years younger than Roger Moore, who was the official 007 at the time, He still comes across as Bond.  The apology to the submarine commander, is reminiscent of a similar apology to a rat in Diamonds Are Forever, in the way that he delivered that line.

Felix Leiter is played quite memorably here by Bernie Casey and as I've already stated, is only bettered by Jack Lord and David Hedison as Felix.  Felix gets a little more of the action here and is allowed to run with it too.  It's almost a shame we don't see him in the last 9 minutes or so, as it would have been quite nice to have him there at the end of the mission, but I can't complain too much.

Okay, now to the allies.  Nicole, Bond's french contact, is in my view, the most underdeveloped character of the bunch.  She is this film's Paula, both in her underdevelopment and in the fact that she exists in this film purely to die.  Also, like Paula, she has one moment of characterisation in the film, and that's it.  It's a shame, cos the ally who dies angle was being done to death around this time by John Glen in the official Bond series.

Edward Fox's M is really lame.  Unlike Bernard Lee's M in the official series, who may have disliked Bond's personality but still respected him, Edward Fox's M has no respect for 007, at least until the end of the film.  I never liked this version of M.

Alec McCowan's Algernon/Q is a real mixed bag.  Whilst nowhere near as good as Desmond Llewelyn, this Q is a distinctive character in himself, and really quite appropriate for the time that the film was made in.  The Thatcher government of the time was cutting back on what they viewed as extravagant public sector spending, so the interpretation of Q was really spot on with what would have been really happening.

Pamela Salem's Moneypenny is in fact the worst Moneypenny in all the films, even worse than Caroline Bliss.  She doesn't even have that much to do in the film, not really.

One character I haven't mentioned is Elliott, played by Ronald Pickup.  Now, Ronald is a wonderful actor, and I've seen him act wonderfully in many great roles, but here, his character is reduced to a pure cipher, giving out exposition only, nothing more.  I guess he's meant to be this film's version of Bill Tanner, but there was no need for this character to even exist.  There was nothing he said in the film that couldn't have been given to Moneypenny or M.

OTHER NOTES

The casino we see in the film, is called Casino Royale, a reference to the other unofficial film from 1967.  I previously mentioned that Lani Hall, who sang the title song here, is the wife of Herb Alpert, who recorded the title music for the other unofficial Bond film, Casino Royale 1967.

There are also connections between this film and Thunderball, other than Sean Connery himself.  Ricou Browning, who had directed the underwater sequences in Thunderball, did the same again for Never Say Never Again.

The deal that Sean Connery is reported to have had, included casting and scripting approval.

OVERALL

As a whole, the film is actually surprisingly weak, considering the talents involved.  Lorenzo Semple Jr's writing here is surprisingly hit and miss.  I wonder if that's because he was adapting an original screenplay, rather than writing one of his own.  Some things are clearly his touch and are really excellent, such as Nigel Small-Fawcett, and the arcade games in the hidden room of the casino, but other parts, like the way Moneypenny is written, and the antagonism between M & Bond, are poor attempts to parody the official films, or maybe poor attempts to copy the official films.

There are some enjoyable moments, especially involving Fatima Blush, but after a good start, the film just goes downhill so quickly, so badly, that it leaves you feeling distinctly underwhelmed by the whole experience.

If the writing had been up to Lorenzo's usual standard, it would have improved the whole movie.  Also, some of the casting was suspect.  I wonder if Sean Connery's involvement in script and casting approval had anything to do with that.

But yeah, this was a poor film really, but at least there were enjoyable parts of it.

Next time, we hit the top 20, and the weirdest film with the oldest Bond, a strange villain combination and some cringeworthy moments...