A friend of mine shared an article with me and her other friends which made a case that chivalry had to die, as it was demeaning to women. As I read it, I realised that it wasn’t full of facts and truth, but full of misunderstandings and misinterpretations.
So, for the benefit of all readers out there, allow a male feminist to review Abigail Collazo’s article, and show you where exactly the article goes wrong, and we don’t have to look very far at all.
“Like most women, I believe my male friends to be nice people. They don’t catcall or sexually harass women on the street, they are thoughtful and sweet, and they believe in women’s equality and gender justice like good progressives.”
Oh dear. This is a bad start. When the article goes immediately onto the defensive like this, it is never a good sign.
“…And so I give them on break on chivalry, because I know that they don’t mean anything by it.”
You, give men a break for being chivalrous? How awfully decent of you. Or perhaps I should I say, how utterly condescending of you.
You feel that accepting chivalry is beneath you? That’s the very definition of female supremacy there, and not the good kind either, but the kind that mislabels itself as feminism and gives feminism a bad name. And as if my point needs proving, you prove it for me later in the same article.
“…It is exceptionally rare that a man will walk into or out of an elevator before me. In fact, I’ve noticed that I’ve gotten used to it. When the doors open, I immediately start walking in or out without a second’s thought as to why I am automatically, almost subconsciously, determining that I am the more important person and should have the right to go first. Realizing this, I am actually starting to enjoy the very startled look on men’s faces as I don’t step forward first, or even (heaven help them), say “after you” and wait for them.”
Exhibit A, right there.
“…Just as I’ve become accustomed to receiving chivalry, men have become accustomed to extending it.
Why? Because it’s what nice boys do. What good men do.
Which is exactly why chivalry is dangerous. Because it blankets itself as courtesy while concealing a dramatic assertion of inequality between the sexes. There’s no way around it – chivalry is about viewing women as fragile, delicate creatures who need special protection, special consideration, and special treatment…”
Completely wrong.
Here is how the Concise Oxford Dictionary, defines “chivalry”.
1. the medieval knightly system with its religious, moral, and social code.
2. archaic knights, noblemen and horsemen collectively.
3. the qualities expected of ideal knight, especially courage, honour, courtesy, justice, and a readiness to help the weak.
> courteous behaviour, especially that of a man towards a woman.
Notice the bit I’ve highlighted. Courteous behaviour. Also note, it says especially, but not exclusively. A woman can be chivalrous to a man, it is not a one way street.
Also, the reference to the medieval knightly system, is the same system that was referenced in the article itself.
“The Knight’s Code of Chivalry was a moral system that stated all knights should protect others who can not protect themselves, such as widows, children, and elders. All knights needed to have the strength and skills to fight wars in the Middle Ages. Knights not only had to be strong but they were also extremely disciplined and were expected to use their power to protect the weak and defenceless. Knights vowed to be loyal, generous, and “noble bearing”. Knights were required to tell the truth at all times and always respect the honour of women. Knights not only vowed to protect the weak but also vowed to guard the honour of all fellow knights. They always had to obey those who were placed in authority and were never allowed to refuse a challenge from an equal. Knights lived by honor and for glory. Knights were to fear God and maintain His Church. Knights always kept their faith and never turned their back on a foe. Knights despised pecuniary reward. They persevered to the end in any enterprise begun. The main vow from the knights was that they shall fight for the welfare of all.”
Again, notice that nowhere in there does it talk about demeaning women, but about respecting the honour of women. That’s the key word here, respect. Chivalry is about courteousness, about respect, not about demeaning women.
To prove that the article writer doesn’t understand what chivalry truly is, allow me to present Exhibit B…
“…Because here’s the thing: there is a difference between being chivalrous and being nice. Being nice is expressing or demonstrating consideration for another person – something that I agree all people should do for all other people. Holding doors open for people, for example, is being nice. Allowing someone else to go in front of you in an elevator, picking up something someone has dropped – these are all nice things to do for others, regardless of gender. Holding a door open for a woman because she’s a woman is not just being nice – it’s being chivalrous. It means that for some reason you believe a woman deserves this extra courtesy. That she is special.”
The writer believes there is a difference between being courteous, and being chivalrous. In fact, they are one and the same. There is no difference.
“Ah…” I hear you cry, “I see a fatal flaw in your argument, and it is in the dictionary definition.” And then you present…
3. the qualities expected of ideal knight, especially courage, honour, courtesy, justice, and a readiness to help the weak.
“There.” you say, “Because society views men as strong and women as weak, that proves that chivalry is demeaning to women.”
No. It doesn’t.
All it proves is that you bought into the myth, that women are the inferior sex. I have known some women who are emotionally very strong, and some women who are physically very strong, strong enough to possibly break me in half. I’ve also known men who are emotionally weak, and men who are physically weak as well. The idea that men are strong and women are weak, is a myth and it has been BUSTED. Busted flat.
Ironically, the article writer managed to defeat her own argument, in her own article. I present Exhibit C…
“…Chivalry was a code wherein a knight promised to defend and protect the weak, the helpless, and the vulnerable. To act graciously, to be generous and truthful. Frankly, these are traits that I think all honorable people should strive for – not just men. And such behavior is certainly not mutually inclusive with special protection and courtesy for women.”
You see. You had the definition of what you are supposedly against, right there, and you said it was a good thing, that all people should strive for. What is so bad about chivalry?
Unfortunately then, you revert to back to the wrong narrative…
“…We may say that common courtesy is something we should all strive for – being polite and helpful and respectful to each other just because it’s the nice thing to do. But gender constructs and stereotypes – the ones that tell men they should never need help or women that they always deserve princess treatment – are getting in the way. We all contribute, we’re all responsible, and we all need to be more aware.
The chivalric code was written at a time when women’s agency and equality and abilities were not even questioned – they simply didn’t exist. We’ve come so far since then. Isn’t it time we updated the meaning of the word chivalry to consider the autonomy and capabilities of women that we’ve fought for so long to be recognized? Isn’t it time women gave up the benefits of chivalry for our right to be treated as capable beings?”
Ah, but then men would have to give up the benefit of chivalry as well, and a chivalrous man, is regarded in much better terms by women, than the douchebags, you actually admitted that at the start of article, albeit in a somewhat demeaning manner.
Chivalry is all about courteousness, about respect. In a sense, it is gender equality. It is not about women being superior to men, or men being superior to women, but it is about men and women being equals. You see, chivalry doesn’t just have to be from a man to a woman, but it can also be from a woman to a man, from a man to another man, or from a woman to another woman. The same also applies between men, women and transgendered people. Chivalry is courteousness, and courteousness is chivalry. There has never been any difference between them, and there never will be, except in the minds of those who think women are better than men.
